[ This certainly isn't the last person he expected to hear from, but he's definitely not the first person. There's something about the way that Anders mentioning it mattering that makes it feel like a knife twisting in his gut. If only for a a fleeting second. ]
[And that's what's always left such a bitter taste in his mouth, for his entire life. Things are what they are, and some of them won't ever change, no matter how much you want them to.]
FROM: anders@cdc.org
you said something before, about self-preservation. you think hell manage all right on another crew?
[ what he's not saying is that july needs more direction. hopefully, his instructions are still clear in the boy's mind – stay safe, use your head, don't die. there's also the fact that dolls don't have the same self-preservation sense as contractors.
It was a rational answer. There was no immediate threat in the moment he was asked.
FROM: 11.november@cdc.org
Look at it this way– why lie and then potentially drag one's team down if one becomes a lynchpin for a mission? It was more logical to state the truth.
Who's to say they would? Thinking about situations like that only induces paranoia and clouds judgment. It's something to be handled if and when it may come to pass.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
DAY 59 | after blue assessments
im sorry about july. in case that matters
[He doesn't really think it will, but there it is. He'd be lying if he said he didn't feel partially responsible.]
WEH
FROM: 11.november@cdc.org
If it matters to you, then it's valid.
8C
wouldnt have said anything if it didnt. does it to you?
no subject
Anders. You know I don't have a proper response to this.
no subject
maybe. but you also could have just said "no"
[And he didn't, which is answer enough, really. It's not the response Anders was expecting, anyway. But he'll only push it so far.]
no subject
Yes or no indicates some form of attachment, good or bad. I haven't experienced either in this case.
[ Really now. ]
no subject
thats one way to look at it
[Flimsy, in his estimation. It feels like there's a thread to pull here, but maybe that's just optimism.]
FROM: anders@cdc.org
whats a proper response, then?
no subject
He's reassigned and it's out of my hands. There's no point in wasting time being on either side of the emotional spectrum over it.
FROM: 11.november@cdc.org
You move on.
no subject
you can do both you know. feel something and move on. its not always a waste. sometimes you need it
[Never a waste, he wants to say, what with how emotion has always stuck to him, kept him going. But he knows how that argument will fly.]
no subject
If I could do both, we wouldn't be having this discussion.
no subject
FROM: anders@cdc.org
youre right
FROM: anders@cdc.org
sorry
FROM: anders@cdc.org
i didnt message you to talk about this anyway
no subject
You don't need to apologise. Fact is fact, that's all.
FROM: 11.november@cdc.org
What else was there?
no subject
so it is
[And that's what's always left such a bitter taste in his mouth, for his entire life. Things are what they are, and some of them won't ever change, no matter how much you want them to.]
FROM: anders@cdc.org
you said something before, about self-preservation. you think hell manage all right on another crew?
no subject
He'll manage. Staying alive is a priority.
[ what he's not saying is that july needs more direction. hopefully, his instructions are still clear in the boy's mind – stay safe, use your head, don't die. there's also the fact that dolls don't have the same self-preservation sense as contractors.
but he isn't going to tell anders. ]
no subject
i had to convince him not to tell the instructors he was the weakest link on his own team
FROM: anders@cdc.org
so how much of a priority is it, exactly?
no subject
It was a rational answer. There was no immediate threat in the moment he was asked.
FROM: 11.november@cdc.org
Look at it this way– why lie and then potentially drag one's team down if one becomes a lynchpin for a mission? It was more logical to state the truth.
no subject
less of a priority than logic then
FROM: anders@cdc.org
the reasoning is sound, but "sound reasoning" isnt going to protect him if the next crew decides to cut the dead weight
no subject
Occasionally, in the short term, yes.
FROM: 11.november@cdc.org
Who's to say they would? Thinking about situations like that only induces paranoia and clouds judgment. It's something to be handled if and when it may come to pass.
no subject
whos to say they wouldnt
FROM: anders@cdc.org
"wait and see" isnt always a luxury someone can afford. sometimes paranoia is what saves you
no subject
Either way, it's not a call we're making.
FROM: 11.november@cdc.org
And sometimes, paranoia allows for mistakes to be made.
no subject
and ignoring a potentially serious threat isnt a mistake? thats a lot to base on faith. id rather be sure
no subject
Do you really think we'll ever be fully sure of anything, here?
[ The instructors are willing to give them some things, but not everything. They probably never will, why would they need to? ]