People who don’t feel anything… it isn’t the first time that you’ve said as such, but how does something like that even work?
[ Of course, it’s not as though Barnaby doesn’t know about people like that. He knows his fair share of people who seem to feel little. But nothing at all? Somehow it’s something that he has a hard time wrapping his mind around. If they feel nothing, is it all purely for personal gain? Is it something else?
While he’s trying to understand, it’s not something Barnaby thinks he’ll ever be able to completely grasp. ]
Is living truly all that you care about? After all, I find it hard to believe with regards to Misaki.
November turns the question over in his head– there's not really an easy way to explain this. Because being completely unfeeling isn't quite how it works (at least, not for him, not anymore). But can he really call it feeling when it gets disregarded in favour of the most logical course? Does it count as an emotion or just a firing of synapses? PANDORA hadn't quite figured it out, and neither had he. Years of being a Contractor hadn't cleared it up in the least. ]
Not feeling isn't exactly true, but it's the most direct way to describe it. Mechanically, we feel a level of emotion, but it's numbed over, much lesser than anyone on the normal spectrum would feel. It's fleeting and easily put aside to consider the most rational choice. Present a Contractor a decision based on logic and one based on emotion and they'll always choose the former.
[ Except for Hei, but he's not about to rat him out. Besides, it's not like he understands that man any better than he understands himself. ]
Our main instinct in survival above all. I'm less likely to stick my neck on the line for someone else; it's compulsive. [ Mostly. As is the contract payment. He's about to expand on that when he stops halfway through starting. Bunny, that wasn't very nice. ]
[ While there is no doubt in his mind that this is November’s reality, Barnaby is finding it a little hard to follow along with. Perhaps it’s because he can’t imagine completely putting emotion aside all the time. Of course, he can when he needs to on the field, but sometimes he too can completely succumb to his emotions. He remembers a time when his emotions completely dictated everything that he did; it had taken Barnaby some time to recover from that.
But how could he continue to put them aside every time? He was sure that it had its advantages, but surely that too only extended so far sometimes. While the way that November explained it made sense, he still couldn’t completely wrap his mind around the idea, particularly when he considered the exception that he’d already outlined to the Contractor. His reaction to that is worth it, though. ]
I suppose that to some extent, that kind of response has its advantages. Particularly on the field; I can see why you work so well on Red team.
[ Yes, it’s a compliment, and a sincere one at that. Sometimes Barnaby realises that, compared to some of the others, he’s out of place there. Not that it’s stopped him from carving a place for himself, making sure that no one forgets that he too belongs there now.
When November protests about Misaki, Barnaby finds himself trying his best to hide his amusement. ]
[ If he didn't work well on Red Team with this advantage, he might actually be embarrassed. Of course, he appreciates the compliment, sees it for what it is and has a brief feeling of gratitude. Especially since it's coming from Barnaby, who he is a little closer to than some others (what is closeness, though, to a Contractor?) ]
You're not so bad yourself, all things considered. I imagine it must be a little more difficult.
[ Making decisions with emotions in the way and all. Rough, buddy. Still, his understanding only goes so far, since then he's pointedly ignoring the poorly hidden amusement on his companion's face. Calm down over there, Jessica Rabbit. ]
She saved my life. That's not the sort of thing you leave unpaid. [ He's from the land of honour and knights, this weird chivalry must be in the drinking water. ]
A little more difficult, yes, but not impossible. I understand what my weaknesses are.
[ Many of them he believes that he can overcome. However, it's something that he prefers not to think about. The CDC knows it, too, and they won't hesitate to use his main weakness against him. Most recently, Dagger already did after his Red assessment. He hadn't told anyone about that, and he didn't intend to. ]
I believe I understand something of owing someone for that. But is that all there is to it?
[ Being aware of one's weaknesses was the most important part, really. Otherwise, how does one adjust for it? Of course, being aware doesn't always mean they have to like it. He knows what his pitfalls are, places where he could do better on the field or while in command. Knows that his dependency on his contract is detrimental to anyone who would be willing to use it against him.
Dagger had, after his assessment. It had been uncomfortable, especially since it'd been the second occurrence in a span of a few days. He doesn't want to think of what would've happened if Dagger or Misaki had withheld for longer than they had. ]
Why would there be anything else? I'm grateful for her help.
[ There is a time and a place for pushing things further, Barnaby has realised. Judging by November's reaction, as satisfying as it could potentially be if he pursued this line of questioning, he knows that he should quit while he's ahead. As such, he lets his expression slide back into something more neutral, before he addresses the question properly. ]
I'm simply curious. I understand how it feels, after all, so I was looking for an alternative perspective.
[ As Barnaby seems to let up on... well, whatever it is he was trying to get out, his expression and posture seem to relax a bit. He's still going to tread cautiously in this conversation, since he's not sure where it's going (well, no, he does, and he didn't really like it). ]
I owe someone my life. So I'm simply curious from that angle.
[ Okay, that's a half-truth, but November doesn't need his suspicions confirmed for him. Without Kotetsu, however, Barnaby isn't sure where he'd be anymore - it's a sobering thought, and their conversation has easily reminded him of it. A genuine curiosity exists, even if ulterior motives come with it. ]
[ Huh. So their stories aren't too dissimilar. Of course, he has no idea who saved him and what from. But, that's not really the point here, is it? ]
It doesn't feel any different from normal. [ Bullshit. ] But, looking at it from a rational view– why wouldn't I pay her back? Considering a connections standpoint, I'd rather her on my side than not.
[ If it sounds cold, well, it's par for the course. ]
It isn't about whether or not you should pay her back, exactly. I understand your reasoning for doing so. But what would be enough to consider you even?
[ It isn't as though it's a case of "thanks for paying for my lunch, I'll get it for you next time". It's a far more complicated issue than that, and it's where Barnaby's curiosity comes from. The truth is that he's not sure he'll ever be able to repay Kotetsu for everything that he's done for him. Not that it's the most daunting prospect in the world. ]
[ What indeed. Truthfully, he could look back and consider the warning his payback. He'd been off grid for almost a week at that point, but he'd made sure to contact her. To let her know that something was wrong, that the people closest to her might not exactly be the ones to trust. November had known she would put the pieces together, so he'd left names out. There just hadn't been time to answer all the questions he knows she would've inevitably had.
If only there'd been more time. Should he envy Amber, for that ability? ]
I'm sure I'll know it whenever that opportunity comes around.
[ What a delightfully vague answer. And yet, Barnaby supposes that it makes sense. Trying to anticipate exactly what might make it up to Kotetsu in the future will likely prove to be a waste of time, especially considering what it is that Barnaby owes him for. What is the price for a person's life? There's no easy answer to that, he doesn't think. Perhaps he's learned something from this endeavour after all, even if it wasn't exactly his intention to pursue this line of questioning. ]
Then perhaps I should take that to heart, and consider the same.
But, he doesn't think he'd be able to anticipate what it'll feel like to make it up to Misaki. Because while he'd given her that warning, it still feels like he's indebted. For a Contractor, it's the oddest feeling. One because he's feeling something at all and for so long. And for two, he's not sure what to do with it. No logic seems to apply to it, and he hasn't been able to rationalize himself out of the thinking. So for now, it sticks, weighing at the back of his mind. ]
Trying to measure all the time becomes tiring. I'm sure you'll figure it out.
[ Because he's not blind. Barnaby is smart and dedicated. Kotetsu just doesn't know what he holds over him, and that's where the separation begins. ]
[ The truth is that if Kotetsu knew about this, he would try to shut it down on the spot. He wouldn't believe that Barnaby owed him anything, therefore it wouldn't be a problem in the first place. Yet Barnaby doesn't know that he can ever repay his partner for what he's done; he wouldn't know where to begin. At least this conversation has shed light on a few things. ]
Perhaps I need to think of it less as me owing him, and instead that we support one another equally.
[ And what an epiphany it is. November glances at the other man, head tilted. If there’s one thing he can give the other man, this conversation has at least been rather interesting. ]
Of course. Isn’t that what partners do for each other?
[ April’s saved his hide a few times and vice-versa. They don’t completely depend on each other, but they also don’t operate as fully separate units. Why would they need to? Working together allows for more to get done, and efficiently. ]
You know what they say about old habits, don't you? That they're difficult to break.
[ It's a vague statement, but November may be able to understand what he means all the same. Barnaby has always found it difficult to trust people, but he's found that, gradually, he has been able to change his stance on that. Slowly, and depending on the person, but he's making progress. Some of the people that he's met since he dropped onto Ajna have helped with that considerably too.
That isn't something he intends to acknowledge directly, however. Not at this point in time. ]
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[ Of course, it’s not as though Barnaby doesn’t know about people like that. He knows his fair share of people who seem to feel little. But nothing at all? Somehow it’s something that he has a hard time wrapping his mind around. If they feel nothing, is it all purely for personal gain? Is it something else?
While he’s trying to understand, it’s not something Barnaby thinks he’ll ever be able to completely grasp. ]
Is living truly all that you care about? After all, I find it hard to believe with regards to Misaki.
no subject
November turns the question over in his head– there's not really an easy way to explain this. Because being completely unfeeling isn't quite how it works (at least, not for him, not anymore). But can he really call it feeling when it gets disregarded in favour of the most logical course? Does it count as an emotion or just a firing of synapses? PANDORA hadn't quite figured it out, and neither had he. Years of being a Contractor hadn't cleared it up in the least. ]
Not feeling isn't exactly true, but it's the most direct way to describe it. Mechanically, we feel a level of emotion, but it's numbed over, much lesser than anyone on the normal spectrum would feel. It's fleeting and easily put aside to consider the most rational choice. Present a Contractor a decision based on logic and one based on emotion and they'll always choose the former.
[ Except for Hei, but he's not about to rat him out. Besides, it's not like he understands that man any better than he understands himself. ]
Our main instinct in survival above all. I'm less likely to stick my neck on the line for someone else; it's compulsive. [ Mostly. As is the contract payment. He's about to expand on that when he stops halfway through starting. Bunny, that wasn't very nice. ]
Ah, that's a bit different. I owe her.
[ His white knight. ]
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But how could he continue to put them aside every time? He was sure that it had its advantages, but surely that too only extended so far sometimes. While the way that November explained it made sense, he still couldn’t completely wrap his mind around the idea, particularly when he considered the exception that he’d already outlined to the Contractor. His reaction to that is worth it, though. ]
I suppose that to some extent, that kind of response has its advantages. Particularly on the field; I can see why you work so well on Red team.
[ Yes, it’s a compliment, and a sincere one at that. Sometimes Barnaby realises that, compared to some of the others, he’s out of place there. Not that it’s stopped him from carving a place for himself, making sure that no one forgets that he too belongs there now.
When November protests about Misaki, Barnaby finds himself trying his best to hide his amusement. ]
How exactly is it different? I'm curious to know.
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You're not so bad yourself, all things considered. I imagine it must be a little more difficult.
[ Making decisions with emotions in the way and all. Rough, buddy. Still, his understanding only goes so far, since then he's pointedly ignoring the poorly hidden amusement on his companion's face. Calm down over there, Jessica Rabbit. ]
She saved my life. That's not the sort of thing you leave unpaid. [ He's from the land of honour and knights, this weird chivalry must be in the drinking water. ]
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[ Many of them he believes that he can overcome. However, it's something that he prefers not to think about. The CDC knows it, too, and they won't hesitate to use his main weakness against him. Most recently, Dagger already did after his Red assessment. He hadn't told anyone about that, and he didn't intend to. ]
I believe I understand something of owing someone for that. But is that all there is to it?
S T A R E S
Dagger had, after his assessment. It had been uncomfortable, especially since it'd been the second occurrence in a span of a few days. He doesn't want to think of what would've happened if Dagger or Misaki had withheld for longer than they had. ]
Why would there be anything else? I'm grateful for her help.
L A U G H S
I'm simply curious. I understand how it feels, after all, so I was looking for an alternative perspective.
[ It's not exactly wrong. ]
the worst
How do you mean?
[ Squinting at you, Bunny. ]
you love it
[ Okay, that's a half-truth, but November doesn't need his suspicions confirmed for him. Without Kotetsu, however, Barnaby isn't sure where he'd be anymore - it's a sobering thought, and their conversation has easily reminded him of it. A genuine curiosity exists, even if ulterior motives come with it. ]
nyeh
It doesn't feel any different from normal. [ Bullshit. ] But, looking at it from a rational view– why wouldn't I pay her back? Considering a connections standpoint, I'd rather her on my side than not.
[ If it sounds cold, well, it's par for the course. ]
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[ It isn't as though it's a case of "thanks for paying for my lunch, I'll get it for you next time". It's a far more complicated issue than that, and it's where Barnaby's curiosity comes from. The truth is that he's not sure he'll ever be able to repay Kotetsu for everything that he's done for him. Not that it's the most daunting prospect in the world. ]
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If only there'd been more time. Should he envy Amber, for that ability? ]
I'm sure I'll know it whenever that opportunity comes around.
[ Will he, really? ]
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Then perhaps I should take that to heart, and consider the same.
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But, he doesn't think he'd be able to anticipate what it'll feel like to make it up to Misaki. Because while he'd given her that warning, it still feels like he's indebted. For a Contractor, it's the oddest feeling. One because he's feeling something at all and for so long. And for two, he's not sure what to do with it. No logic seems to apply to it, and he hasn't been able to rationalize himself out of the thinking. So for now, it sticks, weighing at the back of his mind. ]
Trying to measure all the time becomes tiring. I'm sure you'll figure it out.
[ Because he's not blind. Barnaby is smart and dedicated. Kotetsu just doesn't know what he holds over him, and that's where the separation begins. ]
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Perhaps I need to think of it less as me owing him, and instead that we support one another equally.
[ Someone's had an epiphany. ]
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Of course. Isn’t that what partners do for each other?
[ April’s saved his hide a few times and vice-versa. They don’t completely depend on each other, but they also don’t operate as fully separate units. Why would they need to? Working together allows for more to get done, and efficiently. ]
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[ It's a vague statement, but November may be able to understand what he means all the same. Barnaby has always found it difficult to trust people, but he's found that, gradually, he has been able to change his stance on that. Slowly, and depending on the person, but he's making progress. Some of the people that he's met since he dropped onto Ajna have helped with that considerably too.
That isn't something he intends to acknowledge directly, however. Not at this point in time. ]