[ It's not an unfair question. He's thought about it plenty of times– why is he here, in the CDC? Originally, he'd agreed simply to keep his life. Well no, "agreed" isn't quite the term for it. Frankly, he'd volunteered. Hadn't even known what he was signing up for, desperation creeping into his decision. His recruiter had been lucky, finding him bleeding out on the sidewalk in Japan.
Briefly, he wonders if they orchestrated it. Had successfully maneuvered him into a corner so he'd agree to whatever they'd ask of him. Because when he'd gotten here, he'd been one of the only ones who consistently followed direction, regardless of what it was for. In some ways, he still thinks he's part of a smaller group of people that will still do so. The way the CDC recruits doesn't always breed a sense of trust or in some ways, a sense of responsibility. November can't really blame the ones who quietly buck off the reins.
He'd just be hard pressed to find a reason to do so for himself. ]
I care about my life. Which I suppose means, in turn, I care about my world, since they're basically linked. [ His service for his life and the life of his world. ] Though quite honestly, I'd just want to keep it so I can eventually get some answers.
[No, finding recruits that trust or comply with the CDC without being threatened into it is rare. Eren's a perfectly good case in point. So maybe they couldn't be any further from each other in terms of personality and priority.
It's a little selfish an answer. Is it better than not caring at all? Yeah. Infinitely. Still, Eren holds his own world too close to his heart to understand it.]
That's not what it means. [Caring about your world just because it happens to be tied to your life, and not the other way around.] Why are you even here, then?
On the whole, Contractors are that way. It's about surviving. About keeping themselves and their well-being top priority. November had been one of the best agents; no, the best agent in MI6. Which means he was particularly adept at keeping himself from dying.
One slip up had been all it had taken. ]
I'm here to stay alive. [ Cutting straight to the chase. ] And you?
[It's selfish. But it's human. Wanting to stay alive. Survival.
Just survival has never been enough for him.
His shoulders square. His hands pull into fists. He's here because the CDC tricked him here. Blackmailed him into cooperation. He's here because that woman had asked him if—]
I'm fighting for humanity.
[He seems to pull himself up straighter. Lifting his chin like he's got something to prove. Like he's had to do it a thousand times before. It's so familiar he's hardly even aware he's doing it.]
I'm going to exterminate the titans and free humanity from the walls. I'm not letting the CDC stop me.
[And that means staying alive. (Maybe it even means taking them down.) Fiercely, earnestly, honestly—]
[ He doesn’t even need the verbal answer from Eren to understand. It’s in the way that the boy straightens up, how his posture goes from simmering to blazing. How, in some way, he’s spilling over. There’s a challenge there, in the way that he tilts his chin up. Threatening him to try and go against the grain.
And while he’d known the brunette to be more emotional than he is, it becomes as clear as day that there couldn’t be a wider gap of difference in how they react to things. ]
Whatever it takes?
[ The question is mild. November isn’t about to question his motives– they’re well-placed, considering the circumstances.
November questioning the declaration is...fair. Because it's a hell of a thing to say, all things considered. The CDC expects them to do their dirty work, and from the sounds of it, their work gets plenty dirty. Ajna was bad enough—populated by mindless (weren't they) puke monsters and various alien animals. Rumors around the ship keep saying that was the easy part.
Eren doesn't intend on letting things get too far before doing something about it. (Eren's great intentions don't always pan out the way he plans.)
But one thing hasn't changed. Humanity is still his priority.]
I'm not giving up.
[He'll do whatever it takes. He can't afford not to.]
[ Eren isn't the type to give in or give up. November knows this, just from all the interactions he's had with the younger man. What he wonders, though, is how much he can take before he snaps. Before he loses in a big way and isn't able to pick up the pieces. It's one thing to say one isn't going to give up and quite another to be faced by harsh reality.
Neither Mikasa nor Eren have grown up with a normal childhood, that's immediately apparent. But in a lot of ways, they're both so young.
Too young. ]
I believe you. Just be careful when you make your decisions.
[ There's a brief hesitation. ]
You have a lot of people that care about you; don't take that for granted.
[He isn't the type to give up. And he doesn't have the luxury of considering it, because like it or not, Eren isn't just a soldier. He hasn't been, since Trost. He knows what kind of stakes sit on his shoulders. Which is why he can't afford to fuck up, and he can't afford to give up. It's not about him anymore.
And he's very painfully aware of that. His expression shifts from stubborn to steely. What do you know about what he's taking for granted, November.]
I've got a lot of people counting on me.
[And it doesn't necessarily matter if they care about him or not. It doesn't even matter if they like him very much. Comrades go deeper than like or dislike, but it's more than that. Because he really might be humanity's last shot at a counterattack, at survival. People have died to make sure he has a chance at living up to that, and he does not (will not) take any part of that responsibility lightly.
And that's no small factor in why he's been able to grit his teeth and bow his head as long as he has. Maybe there will come a day where Eren needs to choose between humanity and his own principles, here. And there's only one choice to make, in the end, but it's not going to be one that comes easily for him.]
[ Whether it's here or home, is it really about either of them anymore?
November may not feel as much as he used to, but he's logically aware that his performance here affects the people at home. For better or worse, his presence in the CDC gives the Earth a second shot as opposed to immediate destruction. Sometimes, he really wonders if it deserves it. ]
I don't doubt it.
[ Eren is nearly his exact opposite. The type to keep fighting even if it's for people he doesn't necessarily like. He wants them to be able to survive and live without fear hovering over them like a miasma. In a small way, he can understand that sort of thinking– he's reminded of an office, cold pavements, and a fake sky. It's the sort of thing he doesn't want for the younger man, feelings or not. ]
If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask. [ A quiet offer to watch your back. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Briefly, he wonders if they orchestrated it. Had successfully maneuvered him into a corner so he'd agree to whatever they'd ask of him. Because when he'd gotten here, he'd been one of the only ones who consistently followed direction, regardless of what it was for. In some ways, he still thinks he's part of a smaller group of people that will still do so. The way the CDC recruits doesn't always breed a sense of trust or in some ways, a sense of responsibility. November can't really blame the ones who quietly buck off the reins.
He'd just be hard pressed to find a reason to do so for himself. ]
I care about my life. Which I suppose means, in turn, I care about my world, since they're basically linked. [ His service for his life and the life of his world. ] Though quite honestly, I'd just want to keep it so I can eventually get some answers.
no subject
It's a little selfish an answer. Is it better than not caring at all? Yeah. Infinitely. Still, Eren holds his own world too close to his heart to understand it.]
That's not what it means. [Caring about your world just because it happens to be tied to your life, and not the other way around.] Why are you even here, then?
no subject
On the whole, Contractors are that way. It's about surviving. About keeping themselves and their well-being top priority. November had been one of the best agents; no, the best agent in MI6. Which means he was particularly adept at keeping himself from dying.
One slip up had been all it had taken. ]
I'm here to stay alive. [ Cutting straight to the chase. ] And you?
no subject
Just survival has never been enough for him.
His shoulders square. His hands pull into fists. He's here because the CDC tricked him here. Blackmailed him into cooperation. He's here because that woman had asked him if—]
I'm fighting for humanity.
[He seems to pull himself up straighter. Lifting his chin like he's got something to prove. Like he's had to do it a thousand times before. It's so familiar he's hardly even aware he's doing it.]
I'm going to exterminate the titans and free humanity from the walls. I'm not letting the CDC stop me.
[And that means staying alive. (Maybe it even means taking them down.) Fiercely, earnestly, honestly—]
I'll do whatever it takes.
no subject
And while he’d known the brunette to be more emotional than he is, it becomes as clear as day that there couldn’t be a wider gap of difference in how they react to things. ]
Whatever it takes?
[ The question is mild. November isn’t about to question his motives– they’re well-placed, considering the circumstances.
(He knows what the price of freedom can be). ]
no subject
November questioning the declaration is...fair. Because it's a hell of a thing to say, all things considered. The CDC expects them to do their dirty work, and from the sounds of it, their work gets plenty dirty. Ajna was bad enough—populated by mindless (weren't they) puke monsters and various alien animals. Rumors around the ship keep saying that was the easy part.
Eren doesn't intend on letting things get too far before doing something about it. (Eren's great intentions don't always pan out the way he plans.)
But one thing hasn't changed. Humanity is still his priority.]
I'm not giving up.
[He'll do whatever it takes. He can't afford not to.]
no subject
Neither Mikasa nor Eren have grown up with a normal childhood, that's immediately apparent. But in a lot of ways, they're both so young.
Too young. ]
I believe you. Just be careful when you make your decisions.
[ There's a brief hesitation. ]
You have a lot of people that care about you; don't take that for granted.
no subject
And he's very painfully aware of that. His expression shifts from stubborn to steely. What do you know about what he's taking for granted, November.]
I've got a lot of people counting on me.
[And it doesn't necessarily matter if they care about him or not. It doesn't even matter if they like him very much. Comrades go deeper than like or dislike, but it's more than that. Because he really might be humanity's last shot at a counterattack, at survival. People have died to make sure he has a chance at living up to that, and he does not (will not) take any part of that responsibility lightly.
And that's no small factor in why he's been able to grit his teeth and bow his head as long as he has. Maybe there will come a day where Eren needs to choose between humanity and his own principles, here. And there's only one choice to make, in the end, but it's not going to be one that comes easily for him.]
I know that. I'm not going to screw that up.
no subject
November may not feel as much as he used to, but he's logically aware that his performance here affects the people at home. For better or worse, his presence in the CDC gives the Earth a second shot as opposed to immediate destruction. Sometimes, he really wonders if it deserves it. ]
I don't doubt it.
[ Eren is nearly his exact opposite. The type to keep fighting even if it's for people he doesn't necessarily like. He wants them to be able to survive and live without fear hovering over them like a miasma. In a small way, he can understand that sort of thinking– he's reminded of an office, cold pavements, and a fake sky. It's the sort of thing he doesn't want for the younger man, feelings or not. ]
If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask. [ A quiet offer to watch your back. ]